I have been thinking seriously about myself these past few months. Who I am, what I am, where I’m going in life, that sort of thing. There is one thing I can’t figure out what to do about. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I am bisexual, and I need to talk to someone that won’t judge me. Maybe this deserves a bit of background:I live in a small [censored] town, soon to be 17, entering 11th grade. I’m a laid back person, don’t really talk much. I was pretty ignorant of “gay culture”, well more like a homophobic little twit, until fairly recently. Starting freshman year, I realized that I was kinda attracted to other guys (along with girls, I’m more of a 2-2.5 on the Kinsey scale sometimes a 3). I shrugged it off as a fluke but the attraction stayed. It is confusing enough to come to terms with one’s sexuality they thought they knew so well, but another layer of complexity gets added when parents, school, and family are thrown into the mix.I have absolutely no idea what my parents would say. My dad is kinda homophobic, but my mother is becoming a bit of a fundie Christian; She came up to me one day saying “Gays are trying to undermine marriage because they are working for the devil and want to be able to get married”, something to that effect. This is scary territory; I have no problem with being bi, but I don’t want to come out and then be thrown out of my house, drop out of school, and end up homeless, or just as worse, they throw me in “gay camp” to get beaten and prayed over to “turn straight”. I know they love me, but would that love hold up to “Well, guys, your intelligent, loving, little Christian boy is actually a bisexual”? I can’t honestly figure that one out. I’m afraid of finding out.What experience have you had with coming out, how did you deal with it? Have you been in this situation or know someone who has? I don’t mean to randomly spill my guts to you, but I have no idea of anyone else to turn to. You are an outspokenly gay man, and any advice you can give would help tremendously. It feels good to write this, just telling someone who can sympathize.Thanks for listening,-[name withheld]
I completely understand what you are saying. I will probably go all
over the place with this response, but I would like to try to address
some of your concerns, so bear with me, okay? Now, this is only my two
cents – I am not a counselor; this is just my experience.
I came out somewhere around age 15. I had already told a few friends,
and even had a few ‘dates’ and ‘experiences.’ I was fairly certain
that I wouldn’t be ‘rejected’ from my house, so I was hoping I could
tell my parents without a huge worry. Now, that’s not to say that I
just sat at the dinner table and said, “Hey, can you pass the green
beans to the homosexual?” I didn’t have the balls for that back then;
I waited for the right time. There was a week during summer vacation
that I had decided to go visit family out of town. I thought out and
carefully prepared a letter for my mother, that I hid under her
pillow. This way, I was safely away from the situation when she would
get it. I told her first, so she could get used to the idea, and I
wrote down that it was up to her if I should tell my father.
In my letter, I wrote exactly what I was feeling. I explained how I
wrestled with the feelings I was having. I emphasized how I was okay
with my feelings, but my big fear was losing the ones I loved. I
pleaded them not to hate me, and to take the time to think things
through. I warned them that their rejection or hatred would only serve
to lose their son. I basically gave the ultimatum that either they
accept a ‘gay son’, or they lose a son completely.
Now, my plan was this:
1. I had a friend who said I could stay at her house for a couple days
in case it went badly when I got back from vacation.
2. I had the number to a teen shelter, again, just in case.
3. I already had the support of friends, who accepted me and who I
could talk to.
4. I choose the weaker parent, and used what I knew of them to make
sure they realized how hard it was for me to do this, and to help them
understand that I was very alone in the world over this.
5. I made it clear that this wasn’t a choice, a disease, or a phase.
6. I wrote books, and references, TV shows – anything I could think of
that would help them educate themselves.
( Nowadays, you could print out websites for them to read up. )
7. I talked to someone older (like my parents age) about it, to get
their reaction.
8. I made sure that the emphasis on my sexuality wasn’t about ‘having
sex’ as much as it was about me as a person.
9. Since I left a note, and was gone a week, it gave my parents ‘alone
time’ to sort out feelings. A lot of times, a ‘gut response’ isn’t
really what they want to do, but it’s not always a choice. Being out
of the picture will allow them to talk, and yell, and get all the
homophobic things out on the table, without face to face
confrontation.
Along with that, I could give you some advice:
1. Don’t make it political. Don’t focus on gay marriage, or rights, or
anything. Make this about YOU and how YOU are the same person, with
the same dreams.
2. If you really think you will get kicked out over this, you may want
to wait until you have your own place, or you have the ability to stay
at someones. If you worry about college, and you fear tey won’t pay
for it or something, well, that’s a real concern, and a choice they
make. You may have to wait until the first semester is paid.. LOL.
3. Don’t play your parents against each other. Even if one of them
handles it better at first, it is important that you make it clear to
BOTH of them that you love them and that you need support and love
from each of them.
4. Being that you are almost 17 – you have to be very sure that they
won’t send you off to a ‘cure camp.’ – Unfortunately, that is a real
concern. If you have a real fear of that possibility, I really think
you should wait until you are 18 and can make your own choices about
your life.
How did it work out after all was said and done? Well: I got home,
scared to death. I went right to my room, threw all my clothes out of
my bag, and found a note on my computer keyboard. It was from my Mom.
She wrote me how she cried when she read my letter; she said how it
was a rough week, and how she didn’t expect to hear this. But then,
she wrote something that shocked me. She wrote that she had suspected
it anyway. She had noticed the little things about me that were
different. My lack of sports interest, all of my best friends being
girls, my geeky interests.. It all started to make sense to her. The
she apologized to me. She said that all those times i got teased in
school and what not – she finally understood why it was happening. She
said she finally realized that no person would deliberately go through
all that hell in school over a ‘choice’. She wrote how no one makes a
choice to be treated that way, and that because I was ‘just being me’,
there was no way to avoid the treatment and teasing. That’s what made
her cry. She didn’t go into details about the sex part, or the things
that gay people do, but she did want me to be careful and to not rush
things.. which I think is the same thing she said to my sisters. Of
course, my eldest sister got pregnant at 17.. but that’s a different
story.
About 3 months later, I introduced my boyfriend to my mom. She would
only call him my ’special friend’, and I had rules about when I could
see him and how late – but overall, it just took time for them to get
used to the idea. When I was 19, my family ended up getting my
boyfriend more for Christmas gifts that year than ME!
The way I look at is this: Your parents already know who you have
become so far. This may be something they didn’t expect, but it
doesn’t change who you’ve been, or who you will be. You never know,
you may marry a girl, you may partner to a guy. Does that make you any
LESS [---]? When they get that, they will look past the bi-sexual [---],
and just see [---] again.
I hope that helps, and feel free to email me anytime.
*hugs*
